Life's tough huh...

It's never something you get used to. 

I'd like to think I've adapted to its ebb and flow in the same way a camera stabiliser rids footage of obvious slips and bumps. Shaky footage would always exist if the stabiliser was never invented but with life it's not invented, it's crafted over time. Hit that bump running and next time you'll have a better understanding of how to approach the problem next time it occurs.

What do you do when you have an inability to learn.

When you react the same way every time.

When you're tired of seeing yourself from the outside and thinking "I wouldn't want to be around me when I'm like this".

When every thought you have which holds the potential to slip out your mouth is of no value and would bring nothing but irritation.

When the ONLY thing to do is to remove yourself from everyones field of vision because they would be better off without you in the room.

When you feel like everybody would be better off if you weren't around at all.

Then you're done.

Back to square one.

I'm not very well.

The Shadow

I am the part of me the sun does not touch,
where the echoes do echo but you'll never hear much.
Ever present, blind with no sense of self.
A book with no title at the back of the shelf.
 

Note to self...

Please learn to be comfortable with yourself,

with your ideas,

with your voice,

with your opinion,

with your decisions,

with your art.

Don't live in regret. 

Don't get trodden on. 

Don't let other people waste your precious time on this earth.

You're getting old, nothing can win back your time.

Live full and give everything you can offer.

Be inspired. 

Inspire.

Don't let anyone interfere with your creativity, 

it is everything.

Please learn to be comfortable with yourself.

Please learn to be comfortable with you.

Please learn to be comfortable.

Please learn.

Please.

x

Now me.

So fast forward 6 or so years...

I'm now a fair bit older, I have a beautiful girlfriend, We own a house, I'm in a band that keeps me creatively satisfied and I'm way more self aware when it comes to certain mental health issues that I clearly had no clue about when I was a younger.

I say self aware because these things never truly leave us. I still struggle as alot of people do. All it takes is one tiny slip and you get thrown right back into the cavern. This is why it's become soo important to be kind to myself; stick to routines, eat healthier and sleep well. If I'm honest, it bogs me down, feeling I have to constantly pander to it like a rotten tooth but that's just the way it HAS to be. A lot of the time I feel like I've been cursed, I spent most of my time thinking"Why do all these things just to align myself with what other people expect of me" but it turns out it's not for them.
It was for me.

It seemed to be a vicious cycle. Being in a bad place always ended up with me making terrible snap decisions, generally based on rage or apathy, which 99% of the time ended up being the worst option available.....and the cycle continues.

I don't quite know what I'm trying to convey here but I guess it's like a human/emotion version of Changing Rooms. Except it's taken years instead of a few days, Handy Andy represents your friends and I guess Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen is your camp, purple clad Doctor......

- Be kind to yourself.
- Surround yourself with loved ones, friends & family.
- Always talk to people about how you feel. How you REALLY feel!
- CREATE, CREATE, CREATE!


Love
x