Life's tough huh...

It's never something you get used to. 

I'd like to think I've adapted to its ebb and flow in the same way a camera stabiliser rids footage of obvious slips and bumps. Shaky footage would always exist if the stabiliser was never invented but with life it's not invented, it's crafted over time. Hit that bump running and next time you'll have a better understanding of how to approach the problem next time it occurs.

What do you do when you have an inability to learn.

When you react the same way every time.

When you're tired of seeing yourself from the outside and thinking "I wouldn't want to be around me when I'm like this".

When every thought you have which holds the potential to slip out your mouth is of no value and would bring nothing but irritation.

When the ONLY thing to do is to remove yourself from everyones field of vision because they would be better off without you in the room.

When you feel like everybody would be better off if you weren't around at all.

Then you're done.

Back to square one.

I'm not very well.

The Shadow

I am the part of me the sun does not touch,
where the echoes do echo but you'll never hear much.
Ever present, blind with no sense of self.
A book with no title at the back of the shelf.
 

Note to self...

Please learn to be comfortable with yourself,

with your ideas,

with your voice,

with your opinion,

with your decisions,

with your art.

Don't live in regret. 

Don't get trodden on. 

Don't let other people waste your precious time on this earth.

You're getting old, nothing can win back your time.

Live full and give everything you can offer.

Be inspired. 

Inspire.

Don't let anyone interfere with your creativity, 

it is everything.

Please learn to be comfortable with yourself.

Please learn to be comfortable with you.

Please learn to be comfortable.

Please learn.

Please.

x

Now me.

So fast forward 6 or so years...

I'm now a fair bit older, I have a beautiful girlfriend, We own a house, I'm in a band that keeps me creatively satisfied and I'm way more self aware when it comes to certain mental health issues that I clearly had no clue about when I was a younger.

I say self aware because these things never truly leave us. I still struggle as alot of people do. All it takes is one tiny slip and you get thrown right back into the cavern. This is why it's become soo important to be kind to myself; stick to routines, eat healthier and sleep well. If I'm honest, it bogs me down, feeling I have to constantly pander to it like a rotten tooth but that's just the way it HAS to be. A lot of the time I feel like I've been cursed, I spent most of my time thinking"Why do all these things just to align myself with what other people expect of me" but it turns out it's not for them.
It was for me.

It seemed to be a vicious cycle. Being in a bad place always ended up with me making terrible snap decisions, generally based on rage or apathy, which 99% of the time ended up being the worst option available.....and the cycle continues.

I don't quite know what I'm trying to convey here but I guess it's like a human/emotion version of Changing Rooms. Except it's taken years instead of a few days, Handy Andy represents your friends and I guess Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen is your camp, purple clad Doctor......

- Be kind to yourself.
- Surround yourself with loved ones, friends & family.
- Always talk to people about how you feel. How you REALLY feel!
- CREATE, CREATE, CREATE!


Love
x

Times flies when you're not very hairy.

Soo basically today (Well not just today) i realised that i am not very hairy at alll....

I barely have any armpit hair :s You see for me this is a problem because i dream of one day having a rad beard and even though it may very well be ginger i will still be a proud wearer of such a beard.

Alot of my time has been taken up by the band, we just played the first chunk of a little tour. It was originally a week and a half long but some people couldn't get time off work so we had to spread it out over weekends, The first weekend was the one that just past and it was a wild time.

The dudes we are touring with (A band called "kerouac") are awesome guys and are soo much fun. On the sunday when we played basingstoke we broke into an abandoned building before the show because the venue was in the middle of a industrial estate that had quite a few borded up buildings, some how we just went on a frenzy and started smashing everything up :s


It all kicks off again this saturday through to tuesday, I can't fucking wait, i'm literally sitting around waiting for it to come round.

I think i really, REALLY needed this band. It happened just at the right moment alot of shit was going on and this just washed it all away, i don't think the other guys in the bad will ever read this, but if you do, thank you for letting me in you will never know how much this has changed me. x

P.S. Who ever texted me last time i posted on here can you text me again saying who you are because i don't have you number saved on my phone and i wanna know who it was because really appreciated the thought x

Long time, no speak/write.

I have not written a blog on here for ages because i was going to just use tumblr but it turns out tumblr has evolved past blogging into (For me) an image viewing site, i use it to look at art and stuff.

But anywho some people may know that during the past year or so i have been more public about my acoustic music and since I have been writing more, it's completely opened a whole new side of me, like a flood gate. The reason that i have started blogging again is because i have written soo much shit down that my drawrs are overflowing with scribbled pieces of paper and even after all that shit i'm still constantly thinking about stuff, over analysing everything, judging things and experiencing things. IT JUST DOESN'T STOP. The more i write about stuff the more my mind wonders about shit that doesn't need wondering about.

I seem to be spending time on the net before i go to bed, so it makes sense to write stuff down on here, tis a good place to store shit.

Its sooo fucking hard having attractive friends, don't get me wrong i love them but how am I ever going to fucking meet a girl when everywhere i go girls just druel over my friends. Its soo fucking horrible being in the shadow of those guys.
This is where i say i wish the world wasn't so shallow but thats such a cliche and we are all guilty of being shallow, i just wish i could sit down and talk to some people for a couple of hours when i first meet them. This way i feel i have more of a chance of getting their attention and getting to know them. If not i am going to be lonely for a long time, which was never a problem for me until recently when everyone else around me is soo content with being involved in a warm, loving, comfortable relationship.
I've forgotten what it feels like to have someones lips press against mine.
Infact i'm quite scared at the thought of it happening in the future, i'm soo out of practice, it feels like its been soo long that the whole "Kissing" exchange could be different like the no contact sex thing in "Demolition man"

This sounds mental but since all my mates got girlfriends/partners they focus alot of their attention on them which has just added to everything, this overwheling sense of abandonment. This isn't about attention, its companionship. Humans need companionship to stay sane and mine is declining everyday to the point where writing shit down has now become scarily satisfying, its kinda like having a conversation with myself haha.

I'm looking forward to reading this in the future when the people around me/my situation has changed, to see if what i'm saying is actually the reason for how i feel or if its something else.

If you read all of that.....I'm sorry.
x

wierdest/best night everr.

Ok the following events are all 100% true.

Me and my friend elsie decided that we were going to go on a trip to London for dinner and hangouts, it was an amazing plan.
We drove to Boston Manor and parked to get the tube into covent garden, elsie showed me her flat she used to live in and we wondered around for a while soaking in the sun and loud noises from the street performers of covent garden.
We then decided to go to south-bank and ended up sitting on a bench talking until the sun went down and all the lights came on and we both agreed on not liking the green light on big ben it clashes with the traditional architecture.
When it started to get cold we decided to go into wagamama's for dinner, that was amazing as always ^____^.

After dinner we had to get the tube back to the car before we missed the last one, as we got back to the car, Elsie wanted to drive back into central and drive about because the lights in central london are beautiful. As we were driving we pulled upside a Mercedes driver and we both waved at him (If you been driving with me in my car you know the rules)
This guy didn't wave back so i thought to myself:
"I wanna follow this guy"
SO i asked elsie if she was cool with that and she was like "Lets doo this shit"

So the epic journey began.
We literally followed this guys for about 1:45 mins.
Changing lanes when he did in and out lol.
When we got to traffic lights behind him we pulled down the sun blockers to cover our faces.
He was getting very paranoid. ( Who wouldn't)
At one point he was soo scared he pulled off a main road and pulled into space outside a house but he left his head lights on, so we were like "This definitely isn't his house"
So we turned around at the end of then road so he was in our headlights, then he started driving towards us and we panicked, i was sweating tbh i quickly did a 3 point turned pulled around the corner, turned my lights off and waited for him to come around the corner.

Eventually he did and i turned my lights on and began to follow him again.
We got around the corner onto a motorway and him being a Mercedes driver put his foot down and poor little kenny couldn't keep up :(

We had a look around and we didnt have a clue where we were, we had been driving for about 1 hour 45 mins and we had driven under various tunnels on and many different roads, eventually we came across a sign saying we had just left kent so we had left london gone to kent and now we were going out the other side.
At this point is was about 4 in the morning.

Following this mass stalking which was strangly very enjoyable and one of the funniest things i have ever done in my life we decided ot make our way home (If we could)
As we got onto the m25 we saw a tourist sign to a castle and instantly we both were like "Lets go to the castle"
^___^ i LOVE instant mutual agreements.

We pulled off the M25 to go to this castle, which was 24 miles away lol.
But eventually after a million bendy country roads filled with fog and conversations of serial killers climbing into our boot, and what we would do in that situation, we came across the castle grounds which were locked up :(
Whilst we were pulling out of the castle grounds we saw a sign to Brighton and we looked at each other and we were both puzzled about how the hell we ended up anywhere near Brighton from london lol.
So that being the only familiar name on the road signs we followed.
Another long journey filled with conversation, service station stops and driving around roundabouts the wrong way because we could (Scariest thing i have ever done)
We ended up in a place called lewes which Elsie knew well and said
"OMG there is a castle here"
So naturally we pulled over and continued our journey by foot but again the castle was closed but this time for construction.
Disappointing we got back into the car and continued on our journey to brighton.
As we arrived in brighton we were very dissapointed at the fact that the lights on the pier where turned off :( we drove around for a bit and on our way out of brighton there was a stranger trying to thumb down cars, i just drove past not thinking twice to pick him him but as i got down the road, i put myself in his situation.

Hitchhiking would definitely be a last resort and tons of people just drove past him, i was in that situation a couple of months ago when my car broke down and i know people are kinda scared of hitchhikers but he could have been there for hours in the freezing cold.

Then whilst i was thinking this, Elsie turned around and said she felt bad leaving him there, so we turned around, locked our doors and pulled up along side this guy.

Turns out he was Austrian and he was on holiday in Brighton.
All his friends had left him and he had no idea where he was and he had been trying to get a ride for 5 HOURS.
I couldn't believe it.
He told us where he lived and we had no clue what so ever because we are not form brighton.
We said we would take him to the nearest station and get directions from there.
Turns out he was staying in peacehaven which would have taken him about4 or 5 hours to walk to so again me and elsie looked at each other and we both knew we were gunna take him there.

So this crazy drunk 19 year old Austrian guy called Phil hoped in the back of my car.
As we were driving him back to his hostel, we told him about our night soo far about london and following that car, getting lost and the castles and he was like "OHHHHH you guys are crazy"
At this point he was probaly shitting himself thinking
"OMG i got into a car filled with psycho's"
We managed to find his hostel pretty easy it was just near the sea front.
After we dropped him off, we found an amazing parking spot on top of a cliff over looking the sea and the sun started coming up, so we decided t watch it rise over the sea ^____^
It was amazing.
After this i was definitely tired and we decided to go home.
On the way we decided to visit arundel castle but that was also closed.
So we just went home.

We eventually got home about 9 o'clock and as soon i put my head down i passed out.

I woke up at 5:00 and it seemed like a dream.

The only thing it was missing was a person who i know would have loved it even more than me.

Sorry about the lenght of this but i had to write it down so i never forget it.

x